When in Turkey...

Well, I have just returned from my first trip to Turkey and I had quite a few 'firsts' while I was there. I didn't buy much, but I insisted on bringing a fez home. I didn't want one of these ornate embroidered things - it had to be a proper Tommy Cooper one. I also smoked a nargile - a long tube attached to a steam thing that you suck and it gurgles, then you puff out the smoke. It wasn't very authentic (thank goodness as I have no intention of starting smoking now) but I could go through the motions and at the same time show FB that she isn't the only one who can do things like this.

By far the most memorable Judith Kelly first was my visit(s) to the Turkish baths. Both my visits fit the criteria, and I'll be careful not to be too graphic as I don't want to be kicked off Blogspot!

I had my first visit to the Turkish Bath in the hotel on my first day, after being told it would prepare my skin for the sun. I'm partial to a bit of pampering and thought I may as well go the whole hog. I put on my little tea towel thing and went in. There were 2-3 rooms to pass through before going to the main bath. It was a big marble room with several alcoves going around the edge. The marble was hot and I sat on a marble bench in an alcove while pouring hot water over myself. I then went into a different alcove with a young girl who was about 4 foot tall and didn't speak much English. First of all I had a body peel, then she brushed mud over all my body except the bits covered by my bikini bottoms. This got rinsed off after a while and I had the soap massage. I'd seen this on Blue Peter years ago and there really is froth everywhere. When this was rinsed off I got put to relax next to the indoor pool while mud was brushed onto my face. Finally I was taken to another room for an aromatherapy massage, which was very thorough if you get my drift. I had never had such a full full body massage, and considering the girl was so little she had plenty of strength. This all lasted the best part of 2 hours, and she had to wake me up at the end. It was incredible and very relaxing, and as it was being done by a female there was nothing to be self-conscious of.

Towards the end of the holiday Paul booked me in again for my last day. This time it was for the Harem Therapy treatment, recommended at the end of the holiday to get rid of all the sunscreen etc and help prolong the tan. While he was booking it H went to the loo in the spa. Afterwards he shared with his dad that the little boy who had been in before him had left it in a terrible mess (everywhere) so he had used the next door toilet. I was bothered in case they thought it was Harrison. Now I think I can safely say I was right to be bothered.

On my last morning at the hotel I made my way to the spa and put on the obligatory tea towel. A different girl took me into the Turkish Bath and this time she stayed with me for a while pouring water over every bit of me. She then left me to carry on myself. While I was relaxing a big man with a beard and moustache (goatee style) came in carrying a cup of coffee and also wearing a tea towel. He went into an alcove and started preparing it, getting the bed ready and the water things filled etc. At the exact moment it dawned on me that it wasn't coffee in the cup, he poked his head round and said "Come here lady". Now I'm open minded, and when in Turkey etc etc, but I really didn't like the idea of a man doing the treatment. My mind went back though to Basel. I was with my mum in the healthspa at Swissotel and we were being shown around. We walked into the sauna and a stark naked well oiled and very well toned black man didn't bat an eyelid. It was explained to us that the sauna was mixed and clothes were forbidden. I had to stop being a prude.

The first part of the treatment was an oats peeling session (hence the coffee cup). This involved this man smearing me all over with porridge oats. I was covered in a Ready Brek consistency and it was really everywhere. I think I've only just got rid of all the bits. He left me for a bit then came back and started chucking buckets of water over me. I love a long relax in the bath, and I like swimming, but apart from this I'm not a water person, and it felt like I was drowning. I had Quaker Oats in my eyes, and I wasn't in the slightest bit relaxed. The man then got to work preparing the lather. A long towel is put with the lather and when it is messed about with it sort of expands all over the place. Before long I was covered in suds and he got to work with the massage. He took great delight in touching my feet, which I hated. It didn't take me long to realise that if I didn't make a fuss he wouldn't do it for long. He did my first foot for ages when I was letting him know I didn't like it. I was fine until he bent my leg so my foot was flat and my leg in an inverted 'V'. The bed was so slippy there was no way my leg could be relaxed - I had to keep it tensed to keep it up and he really went to town with me. He then started rubbing my stomach. My stomach is prone to making very strange noises at the best of times, and he was practically playing a tune on it he was pushing me in so many directions. He wasn't very gentle and it was completely different to my first experience. Having him wash my hair was strange. He hosed me off then gave me a towel (my dignity was already destroyed by then though) and led me somewhere I hadn't been before. He took me through a door that led to a cave. I gave him an uncertain look and he said "Spooky" then shut me in! The hotel was built in the side of a cliff and this was at the back, and was an actual cave. There were a couple of loungers to 'relax' in so I settled down and tried to think of nice things. He returned quickly and painted my face in mud, then left me again. I was laid on the lounger looking up. The rock formations were fabulous - a petrologist would have found it very impressive. I didn't. I was terrified that one of the stalactites would fall off the roof and kill me. I had already decided that if I got out alive Paul would get it, and I half expected the whole fiasco to be being filmed for some sort of Candid Camera show.

After about 15 minutes of me thinking I wouldn't escape the man came back, to take me for my aromatherapy massage. I did try to relax, but couldn't! I was anticipating his every move, yet he still surprised me every time he moved his hands. He did my back first and covered me in oil. He must have had a death wish as he started on my feet again. He covered every millimetre of my legs and feet, then he put my leg on his shoulders and carried on. He progressed up my body and without going into too many details nothing was missed. He even did in my hair and my ears. Just when I thought he'd be turning me over to do my front I felt him ease himself onto the bed, so my head (facing down, don't panic) was inbetween his knees. This meant that he could do sweeping movements up and down most of my body. To finish off with he did karate chops all over me.

I had to turn over for part 2, and he was just as thorough. I was cringing and just wanted it to be over! He eventually finished by pinching me all over, then left me to relax. I glanced at the clock and it was 11.15am. I had to leave the hotel at 11.55am so I was in a panic, wondering how rude it would be to just leave. In the end I decided I didn't care and left in a hurry without waiting to see if he had a finale for me. I had to get back to my rooms, which weren't near by, then wash the oil out of my hair that was stuck up all over the place, finish packing and get the bags to reception. I can honestly say that there was no relaxing all morning, but I was ready in time.

The Turkish Bath was certainly an experience, but probably not one I would repeat in a hurry. After the first one I wouldn't have said that, and I think you should have one if given the opportunity. Just make sure that you, or anyone you know, hasn't done anything to upset the therapist first.